The best revenge is premature balding
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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