she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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