Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
