I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
