you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
