I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
