I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
