Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
