her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
