I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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