Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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