I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
