so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
