I bet he comes in French.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
