Betty ford says i'm here all night
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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