So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
