Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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