I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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