I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
