Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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