So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
