I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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