it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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