I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
