Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
