woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
