Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
