my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
