Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
