go do what you do best...puke behind churches
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
