I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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