Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
