I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
