Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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