i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It was a blind-side dick pic.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
