i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
