I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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