I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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