He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
