who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
