my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
