i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
