even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
