just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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