I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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