Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
