I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
