96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
