I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
