Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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